Friday, July 04, 2008

Regrets

I am proud to say that in my 23 years of breathing, i have nothing to regret. Not even a single thing. I didn't regret my fight with friends, not my failing grades and not even my fight with parents. Bad decision, stupid mistakes and unimportant quarrels, i never regret them.I consider them as the ingredients of making a superb dish called Dr.B. But yesterday, i know what regrets felt like.....

4 years ago, when i had my first E in my whole academic life, i was shocked. I sat and just "bengong" for 15 minutes in the hallway in front of the library, thinking about my extremely bad mark. I never thought that me, Dr.B would get such bad marks. Yes, i am fat and lazy son of a bitch but i'm not STUPID. And I really hate it when people dare to call me stupid coz i know I don't! I knew it's kinda narcistic and arrogant but hey, at least that's what i believe. That first E is the wake up call I need to make me sail through med school. I had some failed grades, a few Ds and Es but i know that's because i slipped and didn't study hard enough.

Apart from how lazy i am in front of my parents and friends, i work hard. Hard enough to make me drink Red Bull to stay awake in 3 am, forced me to grab a promag to minimize the nausea and the burping and for sleeping for 4 hours max for the entire exam weeks. My decision to take a part time job(the one u all know as the source of all my Zaras..) is also something that i won't regret. I love it even though sometimes it interferes with my study. My so called hedonist lifestyle, hanging out, clubbing or movie-ing is also something that i never regret.

But then, it happened. The God forsaken tragedy. The cursed grade. The demonic lecturer. The 'I don't know why the fuck i have to study this useless' subject. I failed. I failed. I FOR FUCK'S SAKE FAILED!!!!!!!!

Now, i'm not so sure of myself. Every night before i sleep, after i wake up, while eating, while showering and ever while going on a date with Mrs. Palmer (A tips from Dr. A, "google it hun") i regret it. I keep thinking, why now. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've studied that damn subject for two straight days, the material is not as much as pediatric and even not as much as dermatology and i passed BOTH!! But i why i have to fail in this THT thing.

I think i've lost my confidence, i regret how i studied and the worst thing is i feel like i'm a failure. A fucking failure. Yeah i know, there is no one think of me as a failure (Kepedean ya bo..) but the truth is, whenever i see myself in the mirror, i see a huge FAILURE written on my forehead. Just imagining that i will graduate next year, makes me sick. Everyone has graduated and i'm still stucked in that stupid med school.

It's been 3 days since i got the news, still depressed (signs of depreesion: compulsive eating and compulsive DVD watching) but i'm getting better. Just hoping that this is only temporary and i got back on track. Don't worry, i won't commit suicide, life is too damn precious.... But i definitely need something to cheer me up... Ideas?

Ps: Will a new loafers help me?

21 comments:

  1. Rx/ Sushi, 1000g, per oral, stat!

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  2. "will new loafer help?"
    ini maksudnya wish list before your birthday, huh? ckckc...ditengah2 depresi, masih tetep loh mikirin loafer.. hahaha. eniwei, sah2 aja lah bi, selama loe hepi, but it doesnt means i will buy you loafer yah hun...blom gajian...:(
    CHEEER UPP, en dont you ever for a second thinking to suicide. okay...

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  3. yah bi....ambil sisi positif nya dunk....blog loe jadi negatif gini seh???mengulang kan bukan berarti loe itu manusia gagal???denger tuh nasihat dari manusia yang sering gagal!!!hahahaha,yaitu gue!!!

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  5. iya tuh liat si arvin...uda ga lulus dari smuk1..lulus kuliah 6 thn, kerjanya clubbing muluw.. tapi hidupnya seperti tanpa beban.. tuh bi..contoh tuh si arvin, "hidup tanpa beban"nya loh ya.. bukan ke-bodoh-an nya yang loe contoh...
    *peace vin...* :)

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  6. hahahaha sep!!! kalo mo ngomongin arvin, tunggu kita private conversation donk.... kan ntar perasaan si tante rusak...

    tadi nya seh planning ko ass with a new loafers tapi ya sekarng diganti kalimat nya. jalan jalan with a new loafers haha

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  7. KURANG AJAR SI JOSE!!!!!!TUNGGU PEMBALASAN GUE!!!!!

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  8. inget bi diazepam 10 butir @ 10 mg cukup...jangan loncat gedung.. ;p

    yah bi kalo kata orang roda berputar..ada saatnya dibawah ada saatnya di atas klo emg uda jalannya geto mu diapain..dipasrahkan saja, banyak jalan menuju ke roma, mungkin jalan yg dikasi ke lo jalan yg berbeda, tapi intinya akan sampe juga kesana bukan..n yg plg penting u r not alone.. cuph..

    tnang bi, mskipun kita jauh, tapi g akan setia klo diajak jalan, curhat dgrin ocehan2 lo yg ga penting (berlaku sebaliknya juga buat lo)dan terutama g paling setia klo diajak ajeb..hahahaha

    kok arvin curhat banget ya..dasar weirdo..hahaha

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  9. HEH!!!sape yang CURHAT!!bi si ika bahas diatas dibawah soal apaan yah tuh???keliatannya dia lage mengarahkan tuh menuju hal2 yang ga bener.....trus ngomonk2 baylish???mana nendang bi?Smirnov satu botol lumayan nendang tuh bi....

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  10. ckck vin...ga sangka loh orang seumur lo...hmm brapa y umur lo,diatas 25 lah y yg jelas...masi mikir yg kayak geto2..ckckckckckck.. ;p

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  11. maen UMUR lho....umur segini tapi jiwa tetep 17 tahun...hahahahhaha

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  12. Aduh vin.... gw kan anak cupu yg paling minum nya susu anget doank.... itu aja gara2 terpaksa... susu nya abis...

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  13. susu anget langsung dari "sumber" si "nyonya" (A....B....)???
    uwwww...

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  14. sapa si ren itu..kasi tauuu dunggg

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  15. Agnes Budiarto ka..
    =)

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  16. yang terlihat super hot di dance floor dalam imajinasi babi..
    uuuwwwww...
    o ow o ow o ow oo ow(crazy in love by beyonce)

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  17. denger2 ada yang mau ngajak AB and Weni dugem di x2.. buat 3-some yah bi, plus minum susu-susu "hangat"... (eeeuuww....) hahahahaha

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  18. Jose honey, don't believe all those treacherous accusations.... i only drink susu anget from 1 source only.... and i know u know the source..

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  19. i know bi...
    source nya must be.... AB...
    Ehem ehem..

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  20. bi, jangan bermimpi di siang bolong untuk mendapatkan "PURA MILK" if you can only afford "SUSU ULTRA UHT" or (even worst) "SUSU KBPS"...*cup*

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  21. bukan susu anget sep, ren, tapi susu "H.O.T" dari seorang agnes...kalah lah segala jenis susu yg laen

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