I am proud to say that in my 23 years of breathing, i have nothing to regret. Not even a single thing. I didn't regret my fight with friends, not my failing grades and not even my fight with parents. Bad decision, stupid mistakes and unimportant quarrels, i never regret them.I consider them as the ingredients of making a superb dish called Dr.B. But yesterday, i know what regrets felt like.....
4 years ago, when i had my first E in my whole academic life, i was shocked. I sat and just "bengong" for 15 minutes in the hallway in front of the library, thinking about my extremely bad mark. I never thought that me, Dr.B would get such bad marks. Yes, i am fat and lazy son of a bitch but i'm not STUPID. And I really hate it when people dare to call me stupid coz i know I don't! I knew it's kinda narcistic and arrogant but hey, at least that's what i believe. That first E is the wake up call I need to make me sail through med school. I had some failed grades, a few Ds and Es but i know that's because i slipped and didn't study hard enough.
Apart from how lazy i am in front of my parents and friends, i work hard. Hard enough to make me drink Red Bull to stay awake in 3 am, forced me to grab a promag to minimize the nausea and the burping and for sleeping for 4 hours max for the entire exam weeks. My decision to take a part time job(the one u all know as the source of all my Zaras..) is also something that i won't regret. I love it even though sometimes it interferes with my study. My so called hedonist lifestyle, hanging out, clubbing or movie-ing is also something that i never regret.
But then, it happened. The God forsaken tragedy. The cursed grade. The demonic lecturer. The 'I don't know why the fuck i have to study this useless' subject. I failed. I failed. I FOR FUCK'S SAKE FAILED!!!!!!!!
Now, i'm not so sure of myself. Every night before i sleep, after i wake up, while eating, while showering and ever while going on a date with Mrs. Palmer (A tips from Dr. A, "google it hun") i regret it. I keep thinking, why now. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've studied that damn subject for two straight days, the material is not as much as pediatric and even not as much as dermatology and i passed BOTH!! But i why i have to fail in this THT thing.
I think i've lost my confidence, i regret how i studied and the worst thing is i feel like i'm a failure. A fucking failure. Yeah i know, there is no one think of me as a failure (Kepedean ya bo..) but the truth is, whenever i see myself in the mirror, i see a huge FAILURE written on my forehead. Just imagining that i will graduate next year, makes me sick. Everyone has graduated and i'm still stucked in that stupid med school.
It's been 3 days since i got the news, still depressed (signs of depreesion: compulsive eating and compulsive DVD watching) but i'm getting better. Just hoping that this is only temporary and i got back on track. Don't worry, i won't commit suicide, life is too damn precious.... But i definitely need something to cheer me up... Ideas?Ps: Will a new loafers help me?